Human Resources 101 » Humour

It’s Time to Look for a New Job When…

Ian McKenzie — Fri, 26 Dec 2008 16:07:13 +0000

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?” you realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, “I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s yours.” Your boss is standing behind you. It’s his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled this week as vacation, not last week.

You take a “sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, “So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?

A Simple Job Screening Test

Ian McKenzie — Thu, 29 May 2008 14:43:09 +0000

Does your organization struggle with the problem of fitting people to the best job? Here is a screening test for ensuring success in job placement:

Take employment candidates to a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, they are ideal for Human Resources.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Technical Publications.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if they’ve left early, put them in Sales.

New Words for the Workplace Vocabulary

Ian McKenzie — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 15:44:52 +0000

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

I’m not sure of the origin of the humour piece. Are there any other new words or expressions we can add to a workplace vocabulary?

A field guide to underappreciated workplace geniuses

Ian McKenzie — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 19:59:42 +0000

To help management understand the types of intellect they deal with, Wayne Turmel has written A field guide to underappreciated workplace geniuses.

As I continued to deal with people, though, I realized that not only are there employees out there with unappreciated intelligences, some of these people are downright geniuses in a strange kind of way. Their ability to function at high levels in their areas of expertise and complete inability to work and play well with others is worthy of examination by someone much smarter than me.

However, Wayne is willing to examine and he identifies four types of underappreciated workplace geniuses:

The DNA Identifier
The Human Weathervane
The Atomic Calipers
The Boss Whisperer

Strange Tales From the Employment World

Ian McKenzie — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 22:33:09 +0000

A couple of time per year, employment lawyer Robert Smithson publishes some of the weirder things that occur in the employment context.

For example, this story from the Philippines:

…a judge who was ejected from the bench due to his belief in elves was attempting to regain his former employment.

After his removal, the judge threatened an “ungodly reprisal”. And, it appears that a number of related people and places began to experience calamitous events (including a fire in the Supreme Court’s session hall and numerous mysterious car accidents and serious illnesses).

The judge, however, insisted he was not behind these incidents and that the responsible parties included “Luis”, “Armand”, and “Angel” (a trio of invisible elves apparently bent on cleaning up the corruption in the Philippines’ legal system). It seems that Luis (whom the judge described as an “avenger”) has been a very bad influence on Armand and Angel.

Check out this and other stories at Pushor Mitchell LLP – Publications: STRANGE TALES FROM THE EMPLOYMENT WORLD – December 2007.

10 Most Common Office Illnesses

Ian McKenzie — Fri, 26 Oct 2007 14:35:58 +0000

Macy’s-One-Day-Sale Flu.
Drivers-License-Renewal-Appointment-24-Hour Virus.
Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early-Sudden-Unbearable Stomach Pains.
I’m-Looking-For-A-New-Job-And-I-Don’t-Know-How-Long-It’s-Going-to-Take-but-I-Want-To-Stay-On-The-Payroll-Until-Then Mysterious Infection.
My-Boyfriend’s-Got-The-Week-Off-So-Suddenly-I’m-Too-Contagious-To-Come-In-To-The-Office Disease.
I-Need-A-Hair-Cut-And-My-Stylist-Doesn’t-Make-Evening-Appointments Bout of Influenza.
There’s-No-Federal-Holidays-For-Two-Months-And-I-Want-A-Day-Off Sickness.
It’s-Spring-Break-And-I-Want-To-Pretend-I’m-A-Teenager-Again General Ailment.
I’ve-Messed-Up-Royally-And-I-Won’t-Come-In-To-Face-The-Music Terminal Illness.
I-Really-Am-Sick-And-I’ve-Got-The-Doctor’s-Bills-And-A-Completed-Medical-Expense-Reimbursement-Forms-To-Prove-It Infirmity

From Mikey’s Funnies

Employee handbook revisions, effective immediately…

Ian McKenzie — Fri, 07 Sep 2007 14:28:57 +0000

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 1 and Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is completed.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Have a nice week.

Workplace Motivation

Ian McKenzie — Fri, 03 Aug 2007 15:26:49 +0000

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If at first you don’t succeed…try management.
TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Hang in there….retirement is only 35 years away!
Go the extra mile…it makes your supervisor look incompetent.
When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
Administration…we waste time so you don’t have to.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity, probably has a scapegoat.
Succeed in spite of Administration.

Top 10 signs you are management material

Ian McKenzie — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 15:49:28 +0000

10. You like not doing anything
9. You have no trouble telling others what to do
8. Work fascinates you – you can sit and watch it for hours
7. You like ‘sweating the small stuff’
6. You have always been something of a loner
5. You don’t think ‘plan’ is a four-letter word
4. Your favourite cocktail is milk of magnesia
3. On Halloween you dress up as Alex P. Keaton
2. Your favourite horror writer is Tom Peters

And the number one clue you are management material

1. You enjoy having people despise you just for doing your job.

Some excuses for missing work

Ian McKenzie — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 16:56:21 +0000

Now that summer has come to the Northern Hemisphere, people will be looking to get the most out of sunny days and needing excuses to avoid coming into work. If you’ve used up all the standard ones, here’s a few you might try:

I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work.
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Shopper’s Drug Mart.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Oilers, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Telus, but thank you for calling.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I’m startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
I’ve used up all my sick days…so I’m calling in dead!