Human Resources 101

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?” you realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, “I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s yours.” Your boss is standing behind you. [...]

Does your organization struggle with the problem of fitting people to the best job? Here is a screening test for ensuring success in job placement:
Take employment candidates to a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they [...]

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss [...]

To help management understand the types of intellect they deal with, Wayne Turmel has written A field guide to underappreciated workplace geniuses.

As I continued to deal with people, though, I realized that not only are there employees out there with unappreciated intelligences, some of these people are downright geniuses in a strange kind of way. [...]

A couple of time per year, employment lawyer Robert Smithson publishes some of the weirder things that occur in the employment context.
For example, this story from the Philippines:
…a judge who was ejected from the bench due to his belief in elves was attempting to regain his former employment.
After his removal, the judge threatened an “ungodly reprisal”. [...]

Macy’s-One-Day-Sale Flu.
Drivers-License-Renewal-Appointment-24-Hour Virus.
Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early-Sudden-Unbearable Stomach Pains.
I’m-Looking-For-A-New-Job-And-I-Don’t-Know-How-Long-It’s-Going-to-Take-but-I-Want-To-Stay-On-The-Payroll-Until-Then Mysterious Infection.
My-Boyfriend’s-Got-The-Week-Off-So-Suddenly-I’m-Too-Contagious-To-Come-In-To-The-Office Disease.
I-Need-A-Hair-Cut-And-My-Stylist-Doesn’t-Make-Evening-Appointments Bout of Influenza.
There’s-No-Federal-Holidays-For-Two-Months-And-I-Want-A-Day-Off Sickness.
It’s-Spring-Break-And-I-Want-To-Pretend-I’m-A-Teenager-Again General Ailment.
I’ve-Messed-Up-Royally-And-I-Won’t-Come-In-To-Face-The-Music Terminal Illness.
I-Really-Am-Sick-And-I’ve-Got-The-Doctor’s-Bills-And-A-Completed-Medical-Expense-Reimbursement-Forms-To-Prove-It Infirmity

From Mikey’s Funnies

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of [...]

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If at first you don’t succeed…try management.
TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Hang in there….retirement is only 35 years away!
Go the extra mile…it makes your supervisor look incompetent.
When the going gets tough, the [...]

10. You like not doing anything9. You have no trouble telling others what to do8. Work fascinates you – you can sit and watch it for hours7. You like ‘sweating the small stuff’6. You have always been something of a loner5. You don’t think ‘plan’ is a four-letter word4. Your favourite cocktail is milk of [...]

Now that summer has come to the Northern Hemisphere, people will be looking to get the most out of sunny days and needing excuses to avoid coming into work. If you’ve used up all the standard ones, here’s a few you might try:

I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my [...]