DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 1 and Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is completed.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ‘A will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you’re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Have a nice week.
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Bootstrapper » Top 100 HR Bloggers // Sep 19, 2007 at 7:55 am
[...] Read these blogs for a better understanding of what it’s like to work in HR at the small-business level. Chief Happiness Officer: This blog is a must-read for any HR director or manager, but it is especially valuable for entrepreneurs who are looking for ways to better organize their offices. Reading this blog will teach you how to “love your job, love Your life, and kick butt at work.” Consultant’s Desk: If you want to get expert advice without spending a fortune, check out this blog by Yvonne Larose. LaRose is a professional consultant who shares information and advice on career and employee management, among other things. Diversity Advantage: On this blog, you’ll find articles that will help you understand how bringing diversity into your workplace will better your business. Dr. Mercer’s Human Resources Management and Leadership Expert Blog: Learn the basics in employee management and promoting a team-oriented office. For Employers and Recruiters: Learn how to attract the best job candidates to your HR department by learning recruiting techniques and business branding strategies. Inc.com: This site stakes its righful claim as “the daily resource for entrepreneurs.” Here, you’ll find informative artcles about HR policy and general business news. Generations At Work: If you’re just starting out, your office space may be a little tight, even without tension among your employees. This blog will help you bridge the generation gap among Baby Boomers, Generation X’ers and Gen Y newbies. Good Recruits: Now that you’ve got your new business off the ground, you’re going to need great employees to help you run it. This blog will help you figure out where to find the best candidates, and how to evaluate them in interviews. Hiring Revolution: The recruitment landscape has changed dramatically in the last few decades. Learn how to custom design your company’s recruitment and HR department to take advantage of new networking opportunities and software trends. HR Basics: Learn how to write and implement new policies, as well as develop effective recruitment campaigns. HR Forum: Post your questions in the forum or browse through other visitors’ comments and suggestions to improve your employee management skills. HR Point: Learn how to gauge your employee’s potential and satisfaction with the tools available on this blog. HR Software and Solutions: Does your office need an upgrade? Read reviews about the newest software designed for HR professionals. Human Resources 101: Get tips on managing your company’s employees, from dress code to payroll and more. Human Resources Advice for the Real World: HR consultant Irene Koehler brings up basic topics like hiring and managing interns as well as sexual harrassment issues. Miscellaneous [...]
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