Human Resources 101

Now that summer has come to the Northern Hemisphere, people will be looking to get the most out of sunny days and needing excuses to avoid coming into work. If you’ve used up all the standard ones, here’s a few you might try:

• I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work.
• I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…
• I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Shopper’s Drug Mart.
• Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Oilers, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Telus, but thank you for calling.
• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
• The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I’m startled.
• The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.
• I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
• I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
• I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
• I’ve used up all my sick days…so I’m calling in dead!